This Mother’s Day, take a moment to appreciate all the ways in which a mother supports her family. How much time is really left each day, or week, for her own wellbeing?
Mother’s Day is traditionally about celebrating mums – showing appreciation for everything they do, being grateful and saying thank you. It is a day for mothers to put their feet up and be pampered.
But Mother’s Day comes just once a year: what about the other 364 days? With modern life regularly acknowledged as stressful – whether you are a mother or not, working or not – the importance of time for oneself is increasingly recognised as vital for our mental health. But mothers in particular are liable to take for granted the hours that they give and give, without fully appreciating the impact that day-to-day stress can have.
The homemaker, parent or (archaic though the term is) “housewife” role is gradually becoming recognised as involving enough hours to match many full-time jobs. So goes the argument when looking at divisions of labour in a household (including breadwinners’ jobs and homemaking), where many now understand that in a family household one person’s full-time career is enabled by another taking on the majority of housework and childcare.
A recent survey by high street giant Next has highlighted everything that mothers give – for the first time looking at the love, time and support provided in all its forms. From ferrying children around and spectating from the sidelines to the hours of heart-to-hearts and days off work to look after young ones, the hours a parent dedicates to their child often go uncounted, in contrast to hours of employment.
For example, the average mother in the South East can expect to spend 3 hours each year at parents’ evenings – the highest in the UK. She spends over an hour and a half each week ferrying around her children (and their friends), and more than 3 hours watching her child[ren] taking part in sports and activities.
A mother never stops being a mother, and undoubtedly gives up additional mental space, personal time and even actual working hours to be there for her children. However, the reality is that you never want to pass up on time with your kids – and nor should you.
With women so frequently placed firmly in either the “working” or “stay-at-home” category, the full extent of dedication across these spheres isn’t always acknowledged. If it isn’t acknowledged, it’s all the more likely to be taken for granted.
Your own mental health is just as important as that of your family. It’s time to really recognise everything a mother does, to make sure you’re really taking time out for yourself.
Recognise the load
Parents’ evening; school assemblies and concerts; extracurricular activities; providing a taxi service – how much time do you give to all the little extras? Is this on top of work, running your household, and making a mental note of everything? Where are you cutting corners on your own needs?
It may sound clichéd, but reports consistently show that gender imbalance in the home and workplace still exists; the burden of running a household still typically falls more on women. Ask yourself where the initiative for taking care of day-to-day household responsibilities comes from – is it shared?
Try and avoid comparing yourself to other mothers – there will always be mums in the playground who seem to have all the time to bake or attend every school meeting. But unless you have an intimate knowledge of another mother’s life and situation, it is impossible to judge (and judgement won’t necessarily help you, either).
Think about the support you need, and ask for it
You should expect support from both your home environment and from your workplace. Start small – what would help you to feel more supported, and allow you to gain some headspace?
At home, this could be creating a list of chores and things to remember that run through your head on a weekly basis. Ask if someone else in your household can take full responsibility for one or two of these – not just agreeing to do it, but taking on the responsibility of remembering to do it (and then carrying out tasks without needing prompting). Family checklists, fridge door reminders, even setting reminders on a phone, could help someone else remember and lighten a mother’s load.
At work, prepare yourself to have a conversation with your employer. It’s expected that businesses should actively support working parents – if you can’t see what support is available, ask and give your employer the chance to answer. Define what the right support looks like for you, and see if your employer is open to this.
This could be flexibility in hours, location, or responsibilities. It might mean alternative shifts, or working out a shift swap with somebody. It might even mean mental health support from your business – there are plenty of ways for a business to provide this.
It can be difficult to let go of responsibilities, but ultimately it could help you to de-stress. It is also important to ask for help – people might not realise you are feeling pressured or holding so much in your head: highlight it to them.
Take time for yourself; do something that is just for you
Of the 2,000 mums surveyed, 8 in 10 get less than an hour to themselves each day – just 43 minutes, on average, for mothers in the South East.
Time to ourselves allows us to switch off, relax and gain perspective. It awards us the physical and mental space to reflect on recent situations without the pressure of needing to respond immediately, meaning we can explore different solutions.
43 minutes a day could be several cups of tea, a long, hot bath, or even a 30-minute exercise session – all of which can help you to relax.
With the awareness of mental health and personal care at an all-time high, it’s crucial to recognise everything a mum provides, particularly when this is on top of work.
Doing so will help you to carve out time for yourself, or perhaps to thank your own mother for everything she gave – and if you aren’t a mother, a more comprehensive understanding of everything that day-to-day motherhood demands might help you to support your peers, or be a better employer of working mothers.
