“Let’s have a show of hands. Who can honestly say they wouldn’t change a thing? Okay, one or two of you at the back there – no need for the rest of you to turn and look – and Sir, has it always been that way for you? No? I see.” So this tells me that something so natural and fundamental to life is actually proving to be somewhat problematic, especially within relationships. Let’s take a closer look…
If you have decided to read on, I’ll hazard a guess that there’s room for improvement – and congratulations for showing an interest. When you deny or suppress your natural sex-drive, you can expect there to be repercussions. Of course, you may decide to try and camouflage those too and then it gets really uncomfortable. The trouble is, society has a huge influence on what is acceptable or otherwise and very few of us are prepared to step outside these rules when it comes to something so personal and intimate.
Ever heard the expression, ‘Men are only after one thing’? Or, ‘Nice girls don’t do that’? Perhaps, ‘If you do that, you’ll go blind’? Such sweeping statements, usually emanating from the mouths of parents and other adults with our ‘best interests at heart’, can be damaging to say the least. And it begs the question, why do they feel the need to pass on these dubious factoids? Putting aside ignorance, guilt is one possibility that springs to mind; an uncomfortable feeling that is best passed on to someone else, right? So what harm do such statements cause us?
If we manage to succeed at securing a physical relationship, the effects of those words may lay dormant in the subconscious mind for some time before triggering our own guilt or shame. Perhaps the woman begins to disguise her interest and even denies all urges to the point where she can forget they ever existed. Her partner could draw the conclusion that he/she is lacking physically or feels very painful rejection. Often this leads to emotional distance and the blissful intimacy they felt in the beginning becomes a thing of the past. This is just one example of the route to becoming unfulfilled.
But let us not blame society altogether or even the enormous differences between men and women. After all, we must be doing something right for our species to continue. Yes, sex is fundamental to our very existence and so we muddle through somehow. Maybe stress has something to do with our loss of desire or inability to perform. It is a fact that men have been programmed over millions of years to put any sexual activity on hold in the face of danger. What goes up must come down very quickly for them to survive the incident and be able to get back to the task in hand, as it were. Okay, so there are very few occasions nowadays when a man has to decide between inseminating his lady and fending off a bear or tiger. The modern day equivalent might be the threat of bankruptcy causing enough stress to ensure that penetration is out of the question. Frequently the male’s anxiety at being unable to ‘perform’ is enough to ensure that nothing happens the next time either. Anxiety in females could hamper sexual activity by inhibiting lubrication, thus making intercourse potentially painful.
When you get it right for you, it becomes one of the most pleasurable experiences you can have
Gay and lesbian relationships are not without problems, either. Although they are often more open about their needs (perhaps from having to acknowledge their sexuality more than heterosexuals), many of the physical problems still apply and can be caused or exacerbated by yet more pressures in society.
There are many and varied reasons why we encounter sexual difficulties and several of these are psychological in origin, even if the effects are physical. However, there are also numerous physical causes, which may falsely appear to be purely of the mind so it is very important to seek medical advice before commencing any form of psychotherapy.
But please don’t let any embarrassment get in the way of your potential to have a fulfilling sex-life – when you get it right for you, it becomes one of the most pleasurable experiences you can have.